 Her legacy |
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My Mum is a Survivor
My Mum is a survivor,
Or so I've heard it said.
But I can hear her crying at night,
When all others are in bed.
I watch her lay awake at night,
And go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her,
To help her understand.
But like the sands on the beach,
That never wash away...
I watch over my surviving mum,
Who thinks of me each day.
She wears a smile for others...
A smile of disguise!
But through Heaven's door I see,
Tears flowing from her eyes.
My mum tries to cope with death,
To keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her knows,
It is her way to survive.
As I watch over my surviving mum,
Through Heaven's open door...
I try to tell her that angels,
Protect me forevermore.
I know that doesn't help her...
Or ease the burden she bears.
So if you get a chance, go visit her...
And show her that you care.
For no matter what she says...
No matter what she feels,
My surviving mum has a broken heart,
That time won't ever heal.
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Remembering
Go ahead and mention my child,
The one that died, you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further.
The depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry.
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing
The tears that I try to hide.
I'm hurt when you just keep silent,
Pretending she didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
Knowing that he has been missed.
You asked me how I was doing.
I say "pretty good" or "fine".
But healing is something ongoing
I feel it will take a lifetime.
~ Elizabeth Dent ~
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Julieanne's Story
When I found out I was pregnant on March 21, 2006 it was 3 days before my 28th birthday. We were so excited we have 16 neices and nephews and were so glad to finally be MOMMY & DADDY!!!! I had really bad morning sickness, well actually it was all day sickness. It was so bad that I needed to be put on medication to stop my vomiting. The sickness some what subsided I had a hard time eating things but I got by. My pregnancy otherwise was perfect. We went for our 20wk ultrasound and everything was perfect the baby was breech and Sanford wanted to know the sex, but they couldn't see. The Dr said that if she didn't turn he would have to do a c-section and if that were the case he would due it early 38 1/2 weeks. I went for another ultrasound around 28wks the baby was still breech and the ultrasound tech said that it was a girl. I didn't believe it b/c I was afraid to get excited and it be a boy. I went for another ultrasound around 32 weeks to check on the weight. The baby was thought to weigh 5lbs already and the Dr said that if that were the case and the fact that the baby was breech he would deffinitly be taking the baby ealry. I was in NJ for my sisters wedding when I was 36 wks pregnant and the baby made her big move into position. I was happy that I wouldn't have to have a c-section. As the days went by I was so excited packing the diaper bag and talking to her in my belly. I was scared that they were wrong with the ultra sound and that the baby was actually a boy. I went for another ultrasound right before my weekly visit to check the weight and it came up as 7lbs and I asked if they could see if it was a girl. She said yes at the begining of the ultrasound and then I asked to check again and they couldn't see. I went to my doctor for my weekly check up it was 37 1/2 weeks and the doctor asked if I was feeling the baby move and I said not as much but I am 2 1/2 weeks from my due date and I figured it was cause there was no room. He did a non-stress test to see if everything was ok. During this test they monitor the baby's movement and heart beat. The heart rate was 130 which was great but I wasn't feeling her move. The doctor sent me for a ultra sound to do a bio-physical profile and everything was fine. I could see the baby moving on the monitor but was still not feeling her. I talked to the doctor and he said everything is good and he would like to repeat the tests in 2 days. I went back and did them all over again and again they were perfect. The baby had her legs wide open this time and the tech was able to print pictures for me to feel confident that she was indeed a she! I was finally at ease with knowing my baby was a little girl! The Dr said he would see me in a few days for my weekly check up this will me 38 1/2 weeks. That night Sanford and I watched Greys Anatomy and there was a woman who had a stillborn. I got shaken up watching it so I had Sanford try to push my belly and make the baby move. I couldn't feel her, I wasn't too panicy cause I just went for the ultra sound and everything was perfect and I saw her moving but wasn't feeling her just a few days before. I went to bed and then that next day I was telling my father and stepmother about my concerns but didn't want to call the Dr b/c I felt like I was just spazing about it. My dad and mom used to be EMT's so my dad got his stethiscope to listen for the heart beat. He couldn't find it then my mom tried and she couldn't find it then dad thought he did hear something but said to take it home and play with it, next few days I still wasn't sure if I was feeling the baby but I didn't want to be paraniod. I went to my next doctors apt. this is 38 1/2 weeks I went in and they couldn't find the heartbeat with the non-stress test machine. The Dr sent me right away for an ultrasound. The ultrasound tech said softly she needed to go and get my Dr. I immediatley knew that there was something wrong. My Dr came in and looked at the ultrasound machine had the tech go over my belly a few times I started crying immediatly, The Dr asked when I felt the baby move last I said I wasn't sure I thought I was feeling it but I don't remember. He fell into the chair and told me the baby had no heart beat. I was hysterical I could not believe that god could do this to me and my husband who want children so badly and who could not wait for the baby to come. My Dr began to cry with me as he said she was stillborn. I could not believe my baby girl had died. It was the most horrible day of our lives! The Dr explained to me that I had to get the baby out. He explained that b/c I was not dialated at all that he would have to induce me and it was going to be long, hard, and rough. I said I can't go through all that and go home with nothing. I asked him to do a c-section. I was in a daze I had to call people. I didn't know what to say I felt like I let everyone down, as though I failed at this. Telling my husband was the hardest knowing how badly he wanted his little girl. She was 6lbs 13oz 20inches long. They will never know what happend to our precious little princess. It was not a cord accident or any problems with the placenta. There just is no explanation to this. We will never know what God has instore for our baby girl. I can only pray that she knows how much she was loved and wanted.
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What Makes A Mother?
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard Him say.
"A Mother has a baby"
This we know is true
"But God can you be a Mother,
When your baby's not with you?"
"Yes, you can," He replied
With confidence in His voice
"I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay."
"I just don't understand this God
I want my baby to be here."
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat,
And then I saw a tear.
"I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child's smile,
With all the other children and say...
'We go to Earth to learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much,
But I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here.'
"So you see my dear sweet ones,
your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home,
And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lesson's through.
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart
it's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start
Though some on earth may not realize,
you are a Mother.
Until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day
and know that you are the best one!"
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Poem
I'll never hear you laugh or cry,
Or see you run and play.
But in my dreams at night my child
I still hear you say:
"Mommy I'm and angel now
and although I'm not in your arms
I am still all around you,
I will keep you safe from harm.
When you feel a gentle breeze
blow upon your skin
that's my gentle touch your feeling
to show you where I've been.
Although you can not hold my hands
or kiss my cheeks you'll see
If you look up high in the sky
the brightest star is ME!"
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A Poem to You
I give you this one thought to keep-
I am with you still- I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun light on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush of quiet birds in circle flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not think of me as gone-
I am with you still- in each new dawn.
In Loving Memory of Julieanne Hope Kaufman Our Beautiful Baby Girl!
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